My Review of The Purge: I don't really get the advantage of catching movies at the cinema these days but one advantage I do have is the pleasure of Sky Box Office (obligatory plug for my employers there) so I booked The Purge as it was a movie I was looking forward to seeing since it's cinema release...... That has it's downfalls though as I tend to read and watch a lot of reviews and as we all know, reviews can really sway your opinion on a movie despite not even seeing it but I am my own man though and I always say every movie deserves a chance so here it is, my review of The Purge.... That may ironically sway your opinion of the movie.
Our movie starts in a dark, delapidated, eery room, the walls and ceiling are cracked and the camera pans across to a chair swirling in mid-air, AHHH FLYING BOOK! WHO IS CAUSING THIS?? AAAAHHHH CREEPY GIRL GHOST! GOOD GOD, This film is gonna be scary..... Wait, what? Blumhouse Productions?? So that's not the film yet. Well that seems intentionally misleading.
Ok after a very misleading production company scene we get some pre-text, now not everyone loves to read a movie, it kind of takes away the point of it not being a fucking book but luckily here we don't get massive paragraphs of scrolling text or even a James Earl Jones voice over. We get 5 lines of exposition which simply states:
"America 2022"
YAS! FUTURE MOVIE Flying cars, hoverboards, laser guns and travelling in tubes! No? It just looks the exact same as the present. Awwww man. That sucks! Right ok I won't get hung up on my 80's version of the future and just accept it.
It continues
"Unemployment is at 1%. Crime is at an all time low. Violence barely exists. With one exception......."
Oh really? What's the exception??...... What? you're just gonna fade to black. WHAT'S THE FUCKING EXCEPTION YOU FUCK?? Oh right more text, maybe I'll get the exception in the next texty black screen bit.
"Blessed be the New Founding Fathers for letting us Purge and cleanse our souls, Blessed be Amer-ica, A nation reborn."
What is that? Is that an answer? Right ok I admit I'm a little impatient with this movie already and maybe I should give it a chance. Maybe..... Or maybe not. But let us continue anyways. I'm not going to go through this scene by scene so I'll just kick into our story line from here.
We meet our main protagonist of the movie James Sandin who is played by Ethan Hawke..... Ethan fucking Hawke, now I would never make Ethan Hawke my first choice in a movie I don't really think he's that great and in this movie he lives up to my expectations. Ethan plays husband to Mary and father of two, straight out the handbook, stock children. Weird emo boy and moody teenage girl who are called Zoey and Charlie. Ethan is a security systems salesman who has made a fucking sweet fortune off selling his systems to everyone in the neighbourhood (and probably the state) for their safety during The Purge. The Purge? What's that? I hear you ask. Well basically The Purge is an insane idea that the government has legislated that for 12 hours, one night a year all crime is legal. That's right ALL crime, you wanna go rape a fucking baby then The Purge is the night that all you sick, psycho fucks get live out your fantasy! There obviously is some things that aren't legal like... You can't kill the President or use a nuclear bomb on your neighbours dog or some shit like that.
So we meet the family from suburbia hell, with their gigantic house and show off cars and all sorts of shit we can't afford (I mean they actually have a scene where he is smugly choosing which yacht to buy with all his dick money) The "straight out the cliche' book" daughter has a secret boyfriend and an attitude problem and the "stock footage" son sits in his cupboard like the little weirdo he is controlling some sort of remote controlled terminator/creepy spider dolls head toy from Sid's room in Toy Story with a built in camera so he can.... I dunno, watch his Mum get changed or something weird like that. We don't really spend much time getting to know the family but what we do learn is that these people are dicks! All of them, the Mother, Mary is a stuck up cow who patronises the neighbours and rubs her perfect life all in their dick faces like the dick she is, the son is just weird and gives off this whole 'We Need to Talk About Kevin' (great film, go watch it) vibe and the daughter is just a walking cliche' "I'm mad at Daddy" slut. These characters have no depth whatsoever so don't expect to like any of them or the things they do.
The Purge begins, it reaches Purge time and this siren blairs out and btw I love this siren, it's not just like the usual air raid sound it has a unique sound and I enjoyed it. The Sandin household goes into lockdown using the security systems that Ethan Hawke sells, shutters shut off all the windows and doors so nobody can get in or out... well sort of.
So the family all tucked up nice and safe in their house keep an eye on what's happening outside through a series of security cameras that face out on to suburbia hell with their son while he questions his parents like a psycho freak with a taste for human flesh on their moral views on murdering people during the purge, his parents at no point ever really question anything weird that this kid does, in fact they don't question anything their fucking kids do! Parent of the year award goes to......... ETHAN HAWKE and some bitch who plays his wife! The daughter is in her room listening to whatever generic rock band teenagers listen to these days but wait... Is someone in the room? Yes, let's not build any tension here because the film didn't bother to either. It's her boyfriend who has snuck in before the lockdown to get the chance to talk to his much younger girlfriends Dad, man to man. He tells her he will explain that they are in love and everything will be ok but meanwhile weird future serial killer son spots a black guy running down their street shouting for help on one of the cameras and remember I mentioned Ethan Hawke smugly picks a yacht like a pompous fuck, well that's exactly what he's doing right now while his children just parade around doing what they like unsupervised on the one night of the year that baby rape is legal!
While the worst parents in the world pay no attention to their children, the boy is in the security room watching this person screaming for help and makes the decision to let him inside to help him.... Yeah, he's been really weird throughout this whole thing so I bet he's really gonna try and kill them but shame he doesn't know the code to open the shutters and turn off the security system, Oh no wait, he knows the code off by heart and punches it in to open the doors. Yeah great work Dad! Tell your adolescent, weird, psycho, I throw fireworks at dogs, boy the fucking code to your fucking security system that keeps your family FUCKING SAFE! YOU FUCKING MORON!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?? And the boy shouts the man to come in the house to put his evil plans of.... helping him?? What an inconsistency, I genuinely thought this kid was a psycho. Ok so it's not a twist just poor character building. The guy gets in the house and it turns out he was being chased down by a gang of posh boy freaks wearing some crazy looking masks and they show up at the now locked again house giving Ethan an ultimatum. Give us the guy or your family dies, Merry Purge everyone (the government fucking approved this?) The baddies lead by Rhys Wakefield as the most polite psychopath ever to be put on film, it's not an original act. We've saw it all before, the well spoken villain monologuing in a creepy manner. Albeit not original it is still fun, especially since he shows up wearing a mask with a massive shit eating grin on it, then removes it to reveal his actual face with an even bigger shit eating grin, psychotically beautiful! So bad guy doing his bad guy thing cuts the power to the house and gets his posse' of psychotics to break in whatever way they can. While they are attempting that outside, inside their is the most unorganised hunt for the black guy who has disappeared. During this the parents make little to no effort to keep their children in the same room while some guy they don't even know during the fucking purge is just hiding somewhere in their house, they always say things like "Our children are fine don't worry" to each other without knowing a goddamn fucking thing about where their children are or what they're doing!
Jesus..... FUCK THIS FILM! Ok bad guys get in and like a pathetic Scooby Doo and the Gang the family fucking split up. No, they don't barricade in one room altogether, NO! Here's a better idea, give the son a fucking gun and tell him to hide in the fucking room while keeping the fucking torch on so that everyone can fucking see his little character flipping dick face! THERE IS FUCKING PSYCHO BADDIES ALL OVER YOUR SHIT! GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER ETHAN HAWKE! Weren't you in Assault on Precinct 13?? Didn't you learn shit you fucking ass cunt bitch dick cunt?? Awft fuck it, I'm getting annoyed now. Yeah some shit goes down the film ends. THIS. FILM. IS. A. FUCKING. FAGGOT!!
I loved the premise, I enjoyed the bad guy but why am I meant to be rooting for this family? You've just made me hate them all the way through it, I can't enjoy these people and I think I would Purge right on Ethan Hawkes fucking dick face. I hate him, I hate his movies (except Training Day) and I think this was one of the most poorly constructed movies I've watched. I cannot like people like that, I never will and next time if you are going to make a film at least try and make your characters likeable by maybe, I dunno.... GIVING THEM SOME FUCKING CHARACTER! It's not a bad movie, it just has bad writing, bad characters, bad acting, bad lines and just a big bag of baddy bad bad bad!!
Overall I give it a 3/10. A new low for my reviews!
I am The Dame
This is my opinion
Go Fuck Yourself.
So the family all tucked up nice and safe in their house keep an eye on what's happening outside through a series of security cameras that face out on to suburbia hell with their son while he questions his parents like a psycho freak with a taste for human flesh on their moral views on murdering people during the purge, his parents at no point ever really question anything weird that this kid does, in fact they don't question anything their fucking kids do! Parent of the year award goes to......... ETHAN HAWKE and some bitch who plays his wife! The daughter is in her room listening to whatever generic rock band teenagers listen to these days but wait... Is someone in the room? Yes, let's not build any tension here because the film didn't bother to either. It's her boyfriend who has snuck in before the lockdown to get the chance to talk to his much younger girlfriends Dad, man to man. He tells her he will explain that they are in love and everything will be ok but meanwhile weird future serial killer son spots a black guy running down their street shouting for help on one of the cameras and remember I mentioned Ethan Hawke smugly picks a yacht like a pompous fuck, well that's exactly what he's doing right now while his children just parade around doing what they like unsupervised on the one night of the year that baby rape is legal!
While the worst parents in the world pay no attention to their children, the boy is in the security room watching this person screaming for help and makes the decision to let him inside to help him.... Yeah, he's been really weird throughout this whole thing so I bet he's really gonna try and kill them but shame he doesn't know the code to open the shutters and turn off the security system, Oh no wait, he knows the code off by heart and punches it in to open the doors. Yeah great work Dad! Tell your adolescent, weird, psycho, I throw fireworks at dogs, boy the fucking code to your fucking security system that keeps your family FUCKING SAFE! YOU FUCKING MORON!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?? And the boy shouts the man to come in the house to put his evil plans of.... helping him?? What an inconsistency, I genuinely thought this kid was a psycho. Ok so it's not a twist just poor character building. The guy gets in the house and it turns out he was being chased down by a gang of posh boy freaks wearing some crazy looking masks and they show up at the now locked again house giving Ethan an ultimatum. Give us the guy or your family dies, Merry Purge everyone (the government fucking approved this?) The baddies lead by Rhys Wakefield as the most polite psychopath ever to be put on film, it's not an original act. We've saw it all before, the well spoken villain monologuing in a creepy manner. Albeit not original it is still fun, especially since he shows up wearing a mask with a massive shit eating grin on it, then removes it to reveal his actual face with an even bigger shit eating grin, psychotically beautiful! So bad guy doing his bad guy thing cuts the power to the house and gets his posse' of psychotics to break in whatever way they can. While they are attempting that outside, inside their is the most unorganised hunt for the black guy who has disappeared. During this the parents make little to no effort to keep their children in the same room while some guy they don't even know during the fucking purge is just hiding somewhere in their house, they always say things like "Our children are fine don't worry" to each other without knowing a goddamn fucking thing about where their children are or what they're doing!
Jesus..... FUCK THIS FILM! Ok bad guys get in and like a pathetic Scooby Doo and the Gang the family fucking split up. No, they don't barricade in one room altogether, NO! Here's a better idea, give the son a fucking gun and tell him to hide in the fucking room while keeping the fucking torch on so that everyone can fucking see his little character flipping dick face! THERE IS FUCKING PSYCHO BADDIES ALL OVER YOUR SHIT! GET YOUR FUCKING ACT TOGETHER ETHAN HAWKE! Weren't you in Assault on Precinct 13?? Didn't you learn shit you fucking ass cunt bitch dick cunt?? Awft fuck it, I'm getting annoyed now. Yeah some shit goes down the film ends. THIS. FILM. IS. A. FUCKING. FAGGOT!!
I loved the premise, I enjoyed the bad guy but why am I meant to be rooting for this family? You've just made me hate them all the way through it, I can't enjoy these people and I think I would Purge right on Ethan Hawkes fucking dick face. I hate him, I hate his movies (except Training Day) and I think this was one of the most poorly constructed movies I've watched. I cannot like people like that, I never will and next time if you are going to make a film at least try and make your characters likeable by maybe, I dunno.... GIVING THEM SOME FUCKING CHARACTER! It's not a bad movie, it just has bad writing, bad characters, bad acting, bad lines and just a big bag of baddy bad bad bad!!
Overall I give it a 3/10. A new low for my reviews!
I am The Dame
This is my opinion
Go Fuck Yourself.
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