Rise of the Guardians Review
Tis' the season to kick some fucking ass! As it is now well and truly the festive season I figure it only fitting that I review a Christmas movie and to be honest it was never my intention to do such a thing but I stumbled upon a movie that was on Sky movies called 'Rise of the Guardians' and thought I'd give it a watch and it turns out that Christmas is not only truly in full swing it's also being hosted by a bad ass, sword yielding Russian Santa Claus but that's not where our story starts. Let us take a look at DreamWorks Rise of the Guardians.
Now if you have read any of my previous reviews you'll know that I can come off as quite the cynic, an old misery guts, a stick in the mud, a bah humbug and a fucking dicky pain in the cunt but I'm not all that bad but I will just admit it, I'm not a fan of Christmas but I'm not one of those people who refuse to enjoy it, I'll take part, eat, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink and be merry then drink more but when it comes to Christmas movies I always go in with a little trepidation as I know that 90% of the time I'm gonna get a cheese and snore party as they predictably clamber their way through some heart warming adventure with a little slap stick thrown in for good measure, I know it, you know so let's not deny it, most Christmas movies are the exact fucking same. I know there's a few gems out there that I could never argue aren't good movies and I could list them off but we all know what they are so let's stick to the reason why I'm doing this and that's to review this fucking movie.
Our movie starts with a narration (Oooh I love a narration so I do) from a boy who has no idea who the fuck he is. He's Jack Frost. Right, that's that one sorted. Let's move on, Jack Frost obviously likes to freeze shit up but not because he's a bad guy like you'd normally have Jack Frost to be perceived, he's a young fun loving boy who uses snow and ice to give people that childlike wonderment and playful side they may have lost sight of in this modern world but Jack has a problem despite all the fun he has making snow days, starting snowball fights and just giving kids a damn good laugh, nobody believes in him and because of that, in turn nobody can see him but because this is Christmas and everybody knows that at Christmas the power of belief could turn an elephant into a harrier fucking jump jet if you just believe. So Jack is having a bit of an identity crisis and doesn't know his purpose or why he was chosen by the man in the moon, yeah the moon is the one who recruits them.
In steps old Santa Claus with his jolly laugh, his rosey red cheeks and his friendly demeanour...
WHAT. THEE. ACTUAL. FUCK?? Ok he has the red but this ain't no muthafuckin regular Santa, oh no no no no this is North and as I said before he's a sword yielding, tattooed, Russian Santy Claws as voiced by the ever impressive Alec Baldwin. Now I know people have gripes with the Baldwin's but Alec has definitely proved his worth in comedy with his role as Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock and here he shines in his role as North, the leader of the Guardians, who are the guardians? Well, that would be The Toothfairy or Tooth voiced by Isla Fisher, Bunnymund (The Easter Bunny) voiced by The Muthafucking Wolverine and The Sandman or Sandy for short who isn't voiced by anyone as he communicates using little sand pictures and shit. So North gets wind that The Boogeyman or Pitch Black as he's called in this. Now let me just explain these names obviously they are all still The Easter Bunny or Santa Claus but I suppose that's not their names more their job titles but I feel that it's more than that, I think they have these names to genuinely make them seem more badass than they have ever seemed and in this case it fucking works for me. Anyways, North gets wind that Pitch Black the master of nightmares is coming to destroy the children's belief in all the Guardians and that will give him reign over the world giving everyone an eternal fiery pit of shit that they will never escape!
The Guardians are all summoned to put a stop to this and to keep the children's belief in them alive and with the help of a new Guardian, Jack Frost who is now getting a promotion and teams up with the Guardians to stop Pitch Black. Pitch Black or The Boogeyman is voiced by a man that I can't seem to bring myself to like Jude Law, I don't feel I need to justify my reasons for not liking Jude Law but if you feel I do then I can justify it using only two letters.... 'A.I' so here he is doing his best Loki from the Avengers impression, in fact everything about this villain is just Loki through and through but it kind of made it more exciting for me as a huge Avengers fan I enjoyed the way he portrayed The Boogeyman. He was the right amount of evil for a kids movie and dark enough that the adults can also enjoy it. Pitch Black's master plan is basically to stop the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny and the other Guardians from doing their jobs making the children lose faith in them which makes them weaker but he also has an ace up his sleeve and takes all the wonderful dreams that Sandman gives to the children on a nightly basis and turns them into nightmares, this has a ripple effect and sends all the children into a deep depression long before it's meant to happen when puberty hits but it's from here our film becomes what I wanted it to be and that's an action packed, high flying, huge exploding, fuck fest of colour. The animation in this film is some of the best I have ever seen and the plot has enough going on to keep a border collie with A.D.H.D entertained.
I loved all the characters especially Sandman because out of them all he's the one you expect the least from and he has these truly amazing moments that I swear to fuck I almost cheered at a few of them. This whole movie is fun but not that ridiculous slapstick "let's entertain 3 year olds" fun, it has a serious tone and is quite plot heavy so I'd say it is definitely aimed at a slightly older child, let's put it this way, if you're child puts crayons up his nose and runs into walls then it's not for him, cos your kid's a fucking dumb ass but if your kid could give you a 7 hour walk through of Skyrim telling you what every ability and spell does and why it does it then I'm sure they can follow this one and enjoy it. There was a few parts here and there where it got drawn out and could have been shorter and less convoluted but still I was engrossed and after what may have been a little too long of a middle section became absolutely worth the wait in the finale and honestly these characters have been done to death in the past but this is a refreshing take on some well known characters and if you know me then you know I love a refreshing take on well known characters!
All in all I'm going to give this a tantalising 10/10. It was fun, it was clever it was refreshing and Hugh Jackman is a fucking bad ass once again but a bunny bad ass this time, the visuals had me stunned at points and the plot was a strong one. I wouldn't say I felt anything about this film was disappointing and I would definitely watch it again.
Our movie starts with a narration (Oooh I love a narration so I do) from a boy who has no idea who the fuck he is. He's Jack Frost. Right, that's that one sorted. Let's move on, Jack Frost obviously likes to freeze shit up but not because he's a bad guy like you'd normally have Jack Frost to be perceived, he's a young fun loving boy who uses snow and ice to give people that childlike wonderment and playful side they may have lost sight of in this modern world but Jack has a problem despite all the fun he has making snow days, starting snowball fights and just giving kids a damn good laugh, nobody believes in him and because of that, in turn nobody can see him but because this is Christmas and everybody knows that at Christmas the power of belief could turn an elephant into a harrier fucking jump jet if you just believe. So Jack is having a bit of an identity crisis and doesn't know his purpose or why he was chosen by the man in the moon, yeah the moon is the one who recruits them.
In steps old Santa Claus with his jolly laugh, his rosey red cheeks and his friendly demeanour...
The Guardians are all summoned to put a stop to this and to keep the children's belief in them alive and with the help of a new Guardian, Jack Frost who is now getting a promotion and teams up with the Guardians to stop Pitch Black. Pitch Black or The Boogeyman is voiced by a man that I can't seem to bring myself to like Jude Law, I don't feel I need to justify my reasons for not liking Jude Law but if you feel I do then I can justify it using only two letters.... 'A.I' so here he is doing his best Loki from the Avengers impression, in fact everything about this villain is just Loki through and through but it kind of made it more exciting for me as a huge Avengers fan I enjoyed the way he portrayed The Boogeyman. He was the right amount of evil for a kids movie and dark enough that the adults can also enjoy it. Pitch Black's master plan is basically to stop the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny and the other Guardians from doing their jobs making the children lose faith in them which makes them weaker but he also has an ace up his sleeve and takes all the wonderful dreams that Sandman gives to the children on a nightly basis and turns them into nightmares, this has a ripple effect and sends all the children into a deep depression long before it's meant to happen when puberty hits but it's from here our film becomes what I wanted it to be and that's an action packed, high flying, huge exploding, fuck fest of colour. The animation in this film is some of the best I have ever seen and the plot has enough going on to keep a border collie with A.D.H.D entertained.
I loved all the characters especially Sandman because out of them all he's the one you expect the least from and he has these truly amazing moments that I swear to fuck I almost cheered at a few of them. This whole movie is fun but not that ridiculous slapstick "let's entertain 3 year olds" fun, it has a serious tone and is quite plot heavy so I'd say it is definitely aimed at a slightly older child, let's put it this way, if you're child puts crayons up his nose and runs into walls then it's not for him, cos your kid's a fucking dumb ass but if your kid could give you a 7 hour walk through of Skyrim telling you what every ability and spell does and why it does it then I'm sure they can follow this one and enjoy it. There was a few parts here and there where it got drawn out and could have been shorter and less convoluted but still I was engrossed and after what may have been a little too long of a middle section became absolutely worth the wait in the finale and honestly these characters have been done to death in the past but this is a refreshing take on some well known characters and if you know me then you know I love a refreshing take on well known characters!
All in all I'm going to give this a tantalising 10/10. It was fun, it was clever it was refreshing and Hugh Jackman is a fucking bad ass once again but a bunny bad ass this time, the visuals had me stunned at points and the plot was a strong one. I wouldn't say I felt anything about this film was disappointing and I would definitely watch it again.
I am The Dame and this is my opinion.
Go fuck yourself.
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